Anyone heard a good joke lately?

[GrannyLinda]

Two Norwegians go to Collect Unemployment
 
Sven and Ole worked together in a Minnesota factory.....and both were laid off.
 So...dey vent to der Unemployment Office togedder.
 Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties."
 The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week in unemployment compensation.
 Sven, when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter".
 The clerk looked up Diesel Fitter...and it was classified as skilled. So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.
 When Ole found this out, he was yus furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits.
The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."
 "Vat skill ? yelled Ole. "I sew da elastic on da panties. Sven puts dem over his head and says, "Yah,------------- DIESEL FITTER".
(If you don't understand a word of this, then you're not Norwegian or from Minnesota!)
 

[Fierofool]

Melanie is about 1/4 Swedish.  Und dat vas von yoke dat not have to explain to her. 

[Roger]

[Robs Fieros]

Yes Rick Osborne changed his phone number so I couldn't get in touch with them to get my cradle jack back.

[Fierfly]

ok, i don't get that last one...

[Fierofool]

Now I don't kere who ye are, at right 'ere is funny!

[Fiero GTB]

Hope this funny photo shows up...

FGTB

[Donster]

You know the economy sucks when:

You receive a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail
You notice that CEOs play mini-golf now
Exxon-Mobil lays off 25 Congressmen
Angelina Jolie only adopts children from the US now
Motel 6 doesn't leave the light on anymore
A picture is now only worth about 50 words
Wall Street is renamed to "Wall-Mart" Street
You call a suicide hotline and tell them you are suicidal, so they transfer you to the call center in Pakistan and they get all excited and ask if you can drive a truck!

But on the other hand, if you are wealthy like Fiero GTB, he has to pay his wife $ 7 for her thoughts! (inside joke stolen from Tim :-))

Greetings to all from across the big pond,

\D

[Fierofool]

I loved it.  Especially the first one. 

[Donster]

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!



PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

[Fierofool]

Good one, Don.  Looks like it may have already started as some of those items are already in existence or being worked on.

[Roger]

Keep it up and I'll put the Queens' photo on my dartboard.

[MetalBlue85GT]

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength.

 He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building, that you won't be able to wheel back.'
 'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.' The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to
 the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'

[GTRS Fiero]

So, a politician, a minister and a lawyer were discussing healthcare....

OK, none of those topics.

Here's one for the younger readers (cleaned up):
There was a really bad accident.  A man's big toe was severed, and left laying in the street.  The police wouldn't touch it, so motorists called the ambulance.  They said they wouldn't handle that, but recommended a specialty vehicle specifically equipped to handle this type of emergency: a tow truck.

[GTRS Fiero]

This is the short version.

A while back, I was pulled over.  The officer asked for my license & registration.  I gave him my license & insurance card.  He went to his car, came back, and asked, ”Who're you?”  He kept shining his light in my face, holding my license, and looking at me.  Then, he told me to get out of the truck.  Eventually, I got out.  He searched me, then told me to get in his car.  I couldn't get any explanation for why he pulled me over.  In his car, he showed me his computer screen, which had my license pulled up.  Only the picture had a guy with a green face, a red nose, pointy ears, a missing tooth, drool, and various black facial hair.  The officer let me go.

I never let on about that incident, because it took a while to set things up to repay this favor.  I didn't reciprocate my thanks in like manner, due to potential professional repercussions.  I did find the guy in the picture.  We'll call him George.  The guy who played the prank on me, we'll call Bob.  I had fake IDs made for Bob and George, and fake insurance papers for Bob.  George's fake ID showed Bob's address.  Bob's fake ID and insurance papers showed the city dump, and had a picture of the Easter Bunny.  Before Bob left for work, his wife removed house keys and vehicle keys except his work key, and replaced them with random keys, and she swapped his license and fake ID.  George got all dressed up in green, and he and Bob's wife went to lunch (at a favorite place of Bob's, where they know him), then to a photo session.  All the pictures of Bob were removed or changed to George pictures.  When Bob got home, he couldn't get into the house.  His wife answered the door, and pretended that she didn't know who he was.  Bob called the police.  The officer asked for proof, and Bob pulled out his license.  The officer looked at the license, then handed it back to Bob.  I don't know what the officer said, but Bob sortof froze when he looked at the fake ID.  About this time, George stepped out, in full costume, and put his arm around Bob's wife.  Bob looked startled, then started laughing.  After some explanation, the officer left, as did George.  Bob's wife has advised him that the pranks are over.