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Author Topic: Anyone heard a good joke lately?  (Read 43207 times)

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Donster

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Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« on: January 03, 2013, 02:52:00 pm »
Post 'em here! About time we have a joke thread!
Just sayin'

;D

PS to edit: Let's keep it clean, ok?
« Last Edit: January 03, 2013, 02:55:10 pm by Donster »
Life is good!

Donster

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2013, 02:54:27 pm »
Bad News!!!!
The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly.
He was 71.
Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the oven!

Services were held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

Won't you remember him with a moment of silence?
Life is good!

Roger

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2013, 06:12:51 pm »
Well now. Don't that just butter 'yer biscuit?
You can't fix stupid but, you can adjust it with a 2x4.

Duchess

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2013, 07:58:21 pm »
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties. The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a delicious dinner on the. table. The third man had married an German girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, the dishes washed, the cooking done and the laundry washed. And this was all entirely her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

:D

Fiero GTB

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2013, 09:17:27 pm »
After visiting the Microcar Museum this past weekend, I posted some photos with jokes about the east German-made Trabant...  So, now, no offense to the organizing club for the run to the museum (the Georgia Triumph Association), but some of my favorite jokes are Lucas Electrics jokes!

Why do the English drink warm beer?
Lucas refrigerators.

If you liked that one, check out this site:  http://www.mez.co.uk/lucas.html
I especially like the replacement smoke for Lucas wiring harnesses!

FGTB
Every time my GPS says, "Your ETA is...,"
   I hear, "Your Time to Beat is..."

TopNotch

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2013, 09:25:35 am »
One-liners...

I read a book on anti-gravity... I couldn't put it down!


A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play.

Roger

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #6 on: January 04, 2013, 10:53:27 pm »
My wife left a note on the fridge, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I'm going home to mother.
I opened the fridge.
The light came on.
The beer was cold.
What the heck is she talking about?
You can't fix stupid but, you can adjust it with a 2x4.

Fiero GTB

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2013, 11:29:06 pm »
My favorite joke of all time:

What did the Dalai Lama and the hot dog vendor say to each other when they met?

"Please, make me one with everything?"

FGTB
Every time my GPS says, "Your ETA is...,"
   I hear, "Your Time to Beat is..."

Raydar

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #8 on: January 05, 2013, 05:01:03 pm »
My favorite joke of all time:

What did the Dalai Lama and the hot dog vendor say to each other when they met?

"Please, make me one with everything?"

FGTB

"What about my change?!"

"Change comes from within."
...

Raydar

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #9 on: January 05, 2013, 05:02:26 pm »
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
...

Duchess

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #10 on: January 05, 2013, 05:29:48 pm »
LOL  ;D

Roger

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #11 on: January 05, 2013, 06:19:30 pm »
THAT was a really good one!!!
You can't fix stupid but, you can adjust it with a 2x4.

Duchess

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #12 on: January 05, 2013, 06:29:21 pm »
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 kilos that week.

Duchess

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #13 on: January 07, 2013, 12:13:47 pm »
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.

Fierofool

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #14 on: January 07, 2013, 04:01:56 pm »
These are good. 
Keep 'em coming.
Keep 'em clean. 
There are three kinds of men:

1.    The ones that learn by reading.
2.    The few who learn by observation.
3.    The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.    Will Rogers