Anyone heard a good joke lately?

[Duchess]

I bought a new Chevy Avalanche... and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'Came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'

Immediately the radio responded with,
Which one...... Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Michele Bachmann, Ron Paul, Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, Herman Cain, or Sarah Palin, Trump. Obama, Joe Biden??? Damn I love this truck...

[fiero128]

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

A: Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicke

[Roger]

Only management and/or government could come up with this.


World Standards Day
From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994

"The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those volunteers who have worked hard to define international standards.

The United States celebrated World Standards Day on October 11;
Finland celebrated on October 13;
and Italy celebrated on October 18."

No further comment about the global state of "standardization" is necessary!

[Raydar]

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally?
Ever wonder why?

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It's because she smells like a new Truck

[Fiero GTB]

I've always wondered why, if perfumes are really meant to attract men, why they don't make scents like sizzling steak, racing fuel, new tool box, or double-meat pizza!

FGTB

[HarryT]

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other, if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle it, without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said,

[Fiero GTB]

Do you know how to keep a dimwit in suspense?

Come back tomorrow for the answer...

[Fiero GTB]

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER!

You may not know this but even non-living things have a gender:

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hour glass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this,-it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

[Donster]

LOL!

[Roger]

Do you know how to keep a dimwit in suspense?

Come back tomorrow for the answer...

I'll bring a dead chicken and, a sawed off baseball bat, a jar of cooking oil and a gallon of cooked grits.

[Roger]

I need some bottom air for my RR tire. The top is okay, just the bottom is flat.

[HarryT]

The newlywed wife winked at her husband and said,

[Duchess]

THE HOSPITAL NURSES
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.
"How are you, Grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all -- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a
cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question
the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old man
Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of
chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him
sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

[HarryT]

The Government of Manitoba found about 200 dead crows near Winnipeg
last fall, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

They hired a Bird Pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows, and he
confirmed the test results showed it was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to
everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with
trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine why
there was a disproportionate percentage for truck versus car kill.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.

He concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out
Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His study results and conclusion was that the lookout crow could warn the
other crows by saying "Cah", but the crow could not say "Truck."

[HarryT]

Tool Definitions:

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-B!TCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B!TCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.