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Author Topic: Anyone heard a good joke lately?  (Read 43212 times)

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HarryT

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #45 on: February 09, 2013, 01:36:18 am »
The Captain gets on the loud- hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.
When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
87  Black GT (The Little Black Car)
2009 Honda CR-V
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2008 Thor Four Winds Siesta 25SA
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Fiero GTB

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #46 on: February 09, 2013, 10:54:13 am »
TopNotch, those are great...  I'm sending them to two teacher-friends of mine!

FGTB
Every time my GPS says, "Your ETA is...,"
   I hear, "Your Time to Beat is..."

Fiero GTB

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #47 on: February 09, 2013, 10:56:24 am »
John, get up, dear, you'll be late for school!

But, I don't wanna go... the teachers all hate me and the kids make fun of me and call me names!

John, honey, you have to go... you're the principal!

Every time my GPS says, "Your ETA is...,"
   I hear, "Your Time to Beat is..."

Duchess

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #48 on: February 22, 2013, 08:58:24 pm »
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!  ;D

Fiero GTB

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #49 on: March 01, 2013, 09:37:06 pm »
EXACTLY the sort of thing I would do if I had waaaaaaay too much money!

http://www.wimp.com/paintballduel/

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fiero128

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #50 on: March 02, 2013, 09:37:40 pm »
EXACTLY the sort of thing I would do if I had waaaaaaay too much money!

http://www.wimp.com/paintballduel/

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that would get you arrested here
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Duchess

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #51 on: March 03, 2013, 09:19:38 am »
Wow, now that's cool!!! @paint ball duel

Roger

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #52 on: March 03, 2013, 01:40:39 pm »
An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut and tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
You can't fix stupid but, you can adjust it with a 2x4.

Roger

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #53 on: March 24, 2013, 11:33:28 am »
A woman goes to the doctor, worried about her husband's temper. 

The doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my

husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

The doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that

your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and

start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves

the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking

fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant

idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with

water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does

a glass of water do that?"

The doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping

your mouth shut that does the trick."
You can't fix stupid but, you can adjust it with a 2x4.

GrannyLinda

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #54 on: March 31, 2013, 03:18:53 pm »
ND  SALESMAN
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big"everything under one
roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota . "Well, the boss was unsure,
but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came
down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today son?" The kid frowns
and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
 
The boss says, "Just one?!!" Our sales people average sales of 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have
to changes, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for
our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're
not on the farm anymore, son."
 
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for
chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says, "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!?
What the heck did you sell?"
 
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need
a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think
his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that Ford 4X4
Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot,
you should go fishing........."

 :) :) :)   
I'm On The Right Track Baby !!!!
I WAS BORN THIS WAY !!!!

TopNotch

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #55 on: April 02, 2013, 09:36:56 pm »
I entered a caption contest on a computer-related website. They put up some pictures of cats, and asked entrants to make up captions for them. Here are my entries...


The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play.

Fiero GTB

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #56 on: April 03, 2013, 01:46:28 pm »
Good luck with the contest!  We have a couple of big ole Maine Coons, one of which looks similar to your orange one.

If you like Cats and/or Easter eggs, you'll get a kick out of this:

http://msnvideo.msn.com/?channelindex=4&from=en-us_msnhpvidmod#/video/12a5987f-bff0-4ffd-b7c3-819efb453cee

FGTB
Every time my GPS says, "Your ETA is...,"
   I hear, "Your Time to Beat is..."

Fiero GTB

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #57 on: April 16, 2013, 10:20:19 pm »
NEW FIERO "INVISI-SHIFT" KIT NOW AVAILABLE!

FASTER than a short-through kit!  Better than shift paddles!  It works by voice command!

Just make the sound of the gear you want to be in...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RClFPv5r-0


FGTB

Every time my GPS says, "Your ETA is...,"
   I hear, "Your Time to Beat is..."

TopNotch

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #58 on: May 01, 2013, 11:48:10 am »
Bringing back an old one....

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He sees right away from her window nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I would like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief, and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $100,000.

The teller asks his name, and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger. He says his dad is Mick Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager personally.

Patty explains that $100,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will have to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "sure, I have this" and produces a tiny porcelain elephant about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she will have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into the back office.She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog out there called Kermit Jagger who claims to know you and wants to borrow $100,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this???"

The bank manager looks back at her and says,...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
"It's a knick knack, Patty Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play.

Fierofool

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #59 on: May 01, 2013, 08:03:04 pm »

Bagpipes at a Funeral

I was up in Northeast Georgia one day and on my way back home, decided to drop in on an Uncle that I hadn't seen in quite some time.  When I got to his house, he was just about to get into his van and rather than cut the visit short, he asked if I had time to go with him, so I did.  He was on his way to a funeral but said it wouldn't take but just a bit.

He's a bagpiper, and is often requested for funerals. He was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back hills country.

He wasn't familiar with the area and got lost and, being typical men, we didn't stop for directions. We were lost and Bobby just kept driving around, looking.

We finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

Bobby felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. Since I didn't know the man, I just stayed off to the side while Bobby went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He really played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.   He played for this homeless man like I've never heard anyone play the bagpipes.

While he played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept and I heard Bobby splutter a note or two.  We all wept together. When he finished, without saying a word he folded up his bagpipes and started back to the van.

While Bobby was packing the bagpipes into the case in the rear of the van, I had started to get in on the passenger side and I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently we're still lost....  it's a man thing.
There are three kinds of men:

1.    The ones that learn by reading.
2.    The few who learn by observation.
3.    The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.    Will Rogers